All wisdom, false statements, and grammatical errors are direct from the day planner to you, dear reader.
I am not making any of this up.
*Most UI students say their GPA is about 3.0. Actively pursue the Best grades you Can and Don't stress about Failing yourself!
I utterly failed myself today...but I won't stress it.
*9 out of 10 UI students work hard for their grades. No one said that this was supposed to be easy, but you're here because you believe in yourself and what you will achieve!
Except for the ones who came because all their friends did and it just seemed like the thing to do. Also, binge drinking.
*9 out of 10 UI students get to know their professors. They really want to get to know you! Professors need friends too!
Excuse me...Dr. Steinhorst? Do you need a friend?
*On average, UI students attend 8 campus events / semester. Having fun on campus is a part of the COLLEGE experience! Go see what's out there waiting for you!
Unfortunately, having fun off campus is not part of the COLLEGE experience. Get back here, you.
*3 out of 4 UI students use free student services like AAP, the Dean of Students office, the Counseling Center, and Student Activities. You're not alone when it comes to worrying about getting your homework done and doing it well! They're here to HELP!
When I have trouble getting my stats homework done, I go straight to the Dean of Students.
*9 out of 10 UI students go to their professors' office hours regularly. Professors really DO want to get to know their students! They're here because they ACTUALLY like teaching students!
What is this compulsive need to get a loving relationship going between professors and students? I can think of at least 5 professors that hated students and teaching. Stop it now.
*4 out of 5 UI students go to campus events and activities. Support your fellow VANDALS and go see what they've got going on for YOU!
*9 out of 10 UI students think getting good grades is important. No one starts a new semester in hopes of failure! Set personal goals that you can achieve!
What about that one episode of Futurama where Fry entered Mars University to reach his goal of being a college dropout?
*4 out of 5 UI students plan to get their Bachelor's degree at UI. What're your future goals? Share them with others who may not know about your program!
"My goal is to be a conservation geneticist!"
"My goal is to leave this bar with a BAC of .08!"
*4 out of 5 students attend class regularly. Staying healthy and getting enough sleep will help you feel refreshed for class at any time of day!
Note to self: satisfy basic bodily needs before class.
*UI students study 15 or MORE hours per week. The time you spend studying is directly related to your grades. Studying in groups keeps the pizza companies in business!
"Wanna go catch a movie?"
"Nah, I gotta study. Papa John's is down 1 3/4."
*UI students attend class 90% of the time. Staying healthy and keeping a day planner will increase your likelihood of getting to class on time!"
How is a day planner going to help you get to class on time?
*UI students visit with their professors 9 times per semester. You never know what your professors might say next you might just be inspired!"
Come back during my office hours.
*UI students study more per week than the national average. Think of how you spend your study time and congratulate yourself on your "national accomplishment"!
UI students: nationally recognized, slightly above average.