Pacifica (autumnwinds) wrote,

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A pondering with frosting

A few comments from people who know me almost exclusively online really make me think about what a biased image of me this journal represents. I think that some people know me based on my outward, real-world behavior, with some people seeing more deeply into me than others. Other people know me based off this journal, which can be really unbalanced. Some days I just go on and on about my stress and problems or depression about Tyler, and I'm really not like that. Other days I post weird stuff (I AM a little more like that). On the other hand, this journal can be an outlet for deeper feelings I'm too afraid to share in person.

I wonder how many people really have a true sense of who I am. Not many, I'd guess, and it's probably my own fault...I unconsciously create a social self that may or may not truly reflect how I really feel. I think the fewer people I'm interacting with, the truer I am.

I'm a little disturbed and saddened by that. I don't want to deliberately make myself lonely. I think that there's just parts of myself that I really love, but don't often share because a) I don't want to explain them, or b) I'm afraid other people won't think much of them, and therefore I'll see them as having faults. I really need to work on that. I need to care less about what others think of me (I've always had that problem). Advice welcome.

Also, mom made me a belated crazy cake (homemade chocolate, but not as sickly-sweet and rich as store cake) with rainbow chip frosting. I AM THE QUEEN OF EVERYTHING.

And now...jammies.
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