The 3rd Crusade: A Play
Starring THE POPE and FREDERICK BARBOSA, Holy Roman Emperor
POPE: "Go on a Crusade."
FB: "I don't want to."
POPE: "Go on a Crusade or I'll excommunicate you."
FB goes and conquers some minor Germanic tribes
Pope: "That's not what I meant! Go on a Crusade!"
FB goes and conquers northern Italy
Pope: "That's not what I meant! Go on a Crusade RIGHT NOW or I will excommunicate you. See?!?"
Pope holds up signed order of excommunication
FB leaves for the Crusade, falls off his horse in full armor while crossing a river, drowns. Army returns home.
Pope: "#$@%!" (presumably)
The 4th Crusade: A Play
Starring THE CRUSADERS, THE BYZANTINE EMPIRE and THE MUSLIMS
BYZANTINES: "Save us, Western Europe!"
CRUSADERS come to save the capital of the BYZANTINE EMPIRE, Constantinople
CRU: "Whoa! Constantinople is way better than Europe!"
CRUSADERS sack the city
BYZ: "Not helping!"
MUS: "HA ha!"
CRU: "Let's go save Jerusalem now!"
CRUSADERS march towards Jersalem, become distracted.
CRU: "Let's go to Egypt!"
They arrive in time for the ANNUAL FLOODING OF THE NILE, and make camp on the FLOODPLAIN.
MUS: "Um...okay, if you want."
MUSLIMS open the dikes, flood out the army, drown half of them
CRU: "Save us!"
MUS: "Only if you leave us alone."
Muslims put what's left of their attackers on ships and send them back to Europe