Pacifica (autumnwinds) wrote,

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So much of my life is up in the air right now, I'm having a hard time figuring out where I stand. It's as if I'm hanging around in some universal waiting room, wondering what door I'll be led through. Weak metaphor, I know.

The first thing is my plans for this summer. I've applied for an internship position at Taylor Ranch, a field station in the middle of the Frank Church River of No Return Wilderness. Accessible only by bush plane or a 37 mile hike. I'd be doing radio telemetry, hiking, packing, ranch maintenance...all in this little isolated mountain wilderness. Elk, grouse, deer, wolves, bears, mountain goats, cougar. I cannot express how much I want this to happen. But it's extremely competetive, and they're only taking two people this year. Ideally, both Tyler and I would get it (how incredible would that be?!), but I think the odds are slim.

Second, the Udall scholarship. It's $5,000, which would work wonders for me right now. But only 75 are awarded, over the entire US. I don't know when I'll find out if I made it or not.

Third, the CNR House scholarship. It's awarded to the person that's been in the house for 2 or more years, that has the highest GPA. I've only gotten one B in college so far, but there's another person in the house that might have me beaten...and the scholarship is free room and board for a year. My room and board currently costs more than my tuition, so needless to say, it would help immensely. It actually might determine whether or not I'll even stay in the house next year. The payments are a little high to be making for a place where people retch on carpets and leave it, or...never mind, this could go on for some time.

The thing is, I know that I've done the very best I could on all of these things. That's a good feeling, and I should be able to sit back and let these things take their courses. But I'm worrying about it, which I shouldn't do. And plus, I just have this nagging worry that if I don't get any of these things to work, what else can I do? I don't have anything else left to give.

But there's no point in feeling inadequate before the fact, I suppose.

There's more, but that will have to come later. Most of that's about what I'll be doing for the rest of my college time...I'll write about that tomorrow.


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